We are so sorry to inform you

that we are going to have to close you down and take your licence away

after finding disturbing material on your premises, now be careful what you do

or indeed what you say,

for there is no arguing with the evidence of you supplying hard

karaoke to the citizens of this town,

lethal stuff that would confound the most elegant sounding of any bard

and in which it sounds like cats you are trying to drown.

 

I charge you with section 101 of the criminal penal act,

supplying karaoke with intent to embarrass, raise hope

beyond reasonable expectation as your cliental come back for more, despite not having any tact

or the honesty to say they cannot cope

with the strains of Meat Loaf’s Dead Ringer, not get the right placing of any word,

let alone the harmonies to Bridge of Troubled Waters

and like any addict they struggle on undeterred

and talk in quiet corners, talking lines and heaven forbid, forming a band at close quarters.

 

We have even been offered a microphone, it’s on camera and tape, many times

in your establishment by offending types

with inducements such as, don’t worry mate, it’s easy, it rhymes

and you can do it, I can and so can Michael Stipes.

We will go easy on you if the correct payment should come to us

in the form of a rare Beatles bootleg, you know the drill,

however should you make an issue of it and cause general fuss

you will be doing three months labour with people who kill

songs all day long in your tiny shit stained cell

for you should have realised, you can’t mess with someone who tolls the cow bell.

 

Ian D. Hall 2015