*Inspired by a newspaper article in which asked William Hague if he could be James Bond, non-stories after all are the best…

 

No, thank you for asking,

but I can categorically say that I can rule myself

out forever running for Prime Minister,

I have no intention of walking on the moon,

neither shall I don a tuxedo

and play James Bond and kiss Pussy

Galore, as I believe no one could ever hold a candle

to the actress who played her before.

I state here and now for the radio mic

that running a marathon dressed as a chicken is not

what I’m about and there is no truth in the rumour

that I will ever do backing vocals or play drums for a remake

of Twist and Shout.

It’s nice to be asked if I will ever start a war in a Banana Republic,

but it’s not on my agenda, neither is wearing a tie, but that I

might have to do one day, begrudgingly of course,

but not something I can deny.

I will not be in an all action remake, lead character optional,

Of Die Hard or play the lute in ancient times

nor give to the rich from what I steal from the poor,

I had already said I won’t be Prime Minister.

Whilst there is always the possibility I could end up one day

in a retirement home in Saltash overlooking the

English Channel, I rule myself out of the running

to ever have a Devon flag tattooed on my right arm.

I will not raise the flag of my enemy,

I will not play football for Mongolia,

although in my dreams at forty-four I could lift the World Cup

for England, though perhaps only on a Subbuteo pitch

with three crushed players sitting on the bench.

I will not sing Gloria Gaynor in karaoke,

I can say nothing about anything else that comes my way,

although Rick Astley is also out of the question as I will

never find an excuse to give him up, and will always run around

to avoid singing that,

I will never watch a mouse digest a lion

although that would be a feat of endurance,

but then again I will not watch on stage, under pain of death,

anything to do with Lord of the Dance.

I will not play James Bond,

I will not play Ms. Moneypenny

I will never kiss Ms. Moneypenny

nor bowl her over with acrobatic hat.

I will never do Morris Dancing

that is a cardinal sin

but anything else I guess is fair game,

except the things that no decent Human Being should ever do,

but I will rule myself out from ever playing

James Bond.

 

Ian D. Hall 2015.